| Here is a summary of key differences between assertive behavior, aggressive behavior and submissive behavior. Note how the benefits and costs of aggressive and submissive behavior are sometimes the same and sometimes opposite.
One the traps of aggressive/submissive behavior is to believe that this is all there is, and you have to be one or the other. Assertive behavior is not aggressive and not submissive nor any way in between. It takes a new position in a separate place outside the one-dimensional aggressive-submissive spectrum.
| Attribute |
Aggressive |
Submissive |
Assertive |
| Respect for others |
Low |
High |
High |
| Respect for self |
High (usually) |
Low |
High |
| Key actions |
Attack othersMe first
Hide weaknesses
Exaggerate strengths
Do not concede |
Submit to othersMe last
Visible weaknesses
Downplay strengths
Always concede |
Respect othersMe and you equal
Open about weaknesses and strengths
Fair exchange |
| Perceived benefits |
Get what I wantWon’t get harmed
Will be respected |
Won’t get harmedLow personal risk
Will be liked |
Get much of what I wantWill be respected
Fair relationships |
| Likely costs |
Poor relationshipsSubtle revenge
Lost communication |
Do not get what I wantLow social status
People take advantage |
Do not get everything I wantConfusion/envy of others |
|
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